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04/02/2009: "Spring where are you, please, I'll change, come back..."
I have figured it out, I am unofficially depressed. I'm ready for warm weather, I'm unimpressed with my career, my office is a disaster, I have yet to start my taxes, I have not been playing where I should be, the industry won't touch the record, I had laryngitis my entire weekend in Las Vegas, TV Tropolis keeps airing 1985 episodes of America's Home Videos instead of the scheduled knee slapping News Radio, and am lacking motivation to do anything radical to change either problem, my rain dance lessons are not working.
And the worst part is I am an optimist. I can step away from this grim Gus and see how fantastic life is, how lucky I am, that every aspect of my life could be ten times worse, that I have the sweetest niece I can babysit whenever I want, my life is good. Being able to acknowledge the brighter side but not letting it soak in adds to the sinking feeling. I'm just blue.
The thing is, I do not want sympathy or pity I just want some direction, some semblance of balance. I want to see blue prints, and hear confidence so that I'm building a life thats solid, has foundation, no more improv, no more blowing in the wind. And folks may say, "Do it, just go and get it", but I need to do things on my terms. I know how to skip the line, but selling out would be felt every night I sang a song that had no meaning to me, no connection. I don't want to regret paths chosen later in life. I don't want my ethics compromised, thats what separates myself and the manufactured acts. I've already accepted that my journey probably won't lead to massive fame or recognition, and that is very okay. But when "artists" regurgitate everything given to them, I wonder if they even realize what they're doing? Who they're forgetting, was there anyone in there in the first place?
I don't know. I'll ride April out and head to May with a much brighter outlook. I'm heading on tour out West for the first time in a long time and these house concerts are proving to be amazing experiences. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for folk fests, and that things may still yet fall into place. It really could be worse, as soon as Lindsay gets back from Cuba, I'll have her slap it out of me.
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